This month’s newsletters were meant to be all about love, but brace yourself, there are some folks who actually HATE Valentine’s Day. Now, before you go grabbing your torches and pitchforks, dear villagers, try to show compassion for these V-Day-hating monsters. You see they claim that it’s not a real holiday, but rather an invention of the greeting card-chocolate-candy multinational conglomerates. And these sour skeptics are going to really be up in arms when I announce our sexy series of Valentine’s Day specials. Nevertheless, I remain steadfast in my insistence that showing that special someone that you care by giving the gift of porn doesn’t lose any of its intrinsic romance if you save some money in the process.
After all, who hasn’t struggled with those post Valentine’s credit card bills? A dozen long-stemmed roses on the big day sets you back in a big way, but wilt and die only days later. An appropriately fine confectioner isn’t exactly giving away that box of premium chocolates – half of which won’t even get eaten given your beloved’s strong aversion to nuts and nougat. Sexy lingerie can be the gift that keeps on giving, but unless you want your sweetheart to suffer contact dermatitis, it’s got to be genuine silk or satin – and the cost of natural fibers is positively prohibitive these days! So what if I told you that your next exceptional gift for that exceptional person in your life could cost less than $10? Would you be interested?
Well, unless you’re an old-timey mythical sultan surrounded by loyal subjects despite ruling the land with an iron fist, money probably isn’t no object. And quite frankly even such a swinging and successful sultan might not mind not emptying his royal treasury when it comes to buying gifts for his many ladies. And we all know, if you buy something for one wife or even just a couple of concubines, the entire harem expects something! And so for the man (or the woman given that it’s 2017) who has everything may I suggest some fine art of an erotic nature? Namely, MET Art, which starting on Saturday will only cost $9.95 a month – less than the cost of single rose, it’s packed with beautiful girls whose beauty fills over 16,000 sets of the finest photos and more than 1,300 videos.
Perhaps both you and your soulmate abhor softcore porn and adore hardcore smut? Not to worry, because you and your one-and-only can get off together on sites whose solo action involves masturbation rather than merely sexy poses and whose raunchy pages are also jammed with scenes of chicks crammed full of dicks. They also have lesbian lovemaking, which is a crowd-pleaser even with those who claim hardcore pornography isn’t their cup of tea, and what could be better than girl-on-girl hookups? Well, if I had to say, I’d be inclined to suggest that some of the group sex on Cherry Pimps, Fame Digital and Digital Playground could give those lesbians a run for their money. And at only $9.95/ month (only during our four days of flash sales – mind) you might just want to present all three on a silver(-plated) platter to that special honey! All three cost less than a chocolate box from that naked-lady-on-horseback place.
And I don’t know if you were popular growing up or not, but I think whether you got a lot of valentines from your classmates at school or not, you could normally count on getting a card from your parents or siblings. Of course, you might have thought that although the thought was meant to be nice, it was actually kind of gross getting something on the most romantic day of the year from a relative. Well, I guess that you might consider it some kind of therapy (although the cathartic release it will bring may lead to confusing feelings too) to check out Family Strokes (from the same folks who brought us Sis Loves Me) for a mere $9.87 per month when you take advantage of our special Flash sale pricing. It shows you just how happy you can be as part of a blended family, because blood may be thicker than water, but so too is semen and there’s nothing wrong with doing the deed when it involves your stepfamily.
So go ahead stepbrothers and do your stepsisters who just feel free to in turn do their stepsisters. And I say to stepdads who dream of bonding with stepdaughters, nothing forms a stickier bond than cum! Well, and let’s not forget stepmoms – who’s to say that your motherly love for your stepsons is a problem just because it leaves them hot and bothered? And if you don’t show your stepdaughter the proper way to eat pussy, who will? Some strange lesbian off the street? And so it is with that enduring message of (step) familial love I leave you, but let me tell you before I go that you should see a new flash sale advertised every day on our Rabbit’s Reviews homepage. You can also follow the links to any sites that I’ve mentioned to access their special flash pricing.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
