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Want a Sexless Marriage With a Barista? It will only cost you $25,000.

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July 12, 2012

Barista Bride And Group
Image courtesy of Michelle Manetti via The Local: Fort Greene/Clinton Hill on Flickr.

Are you tired of being single? Have you been out there on the dating scene trying to find someone to marry and settle down with? Are you hoping to never see that person naked? Do you have $25,000 burning a hole in your pocket? Well, then call me Monty Hall 'cause have I got a deal for you!

See that guy and girl in the picture at the top of this post? Well, they are Michael Newton and Johanna Hickey. They are both baristas at a Brooklyn, New York, coffee shop and they have gone on record by offering themselves up for marriage for the low price of $25,000. Here is the proposal they drew up:

Somewhat Indecent Proposal
Image courtesy of The Local: Fort Greene/Clinton Hill on Flickr.

While they might be offering up their hands in marriage, whoever weds them won't be getting any sexual pleasure from those hands, or any other part of the barista's bodies, because they have both made it very clear that this transaction does not include sex. Although you wouldn't know it from the drawing, which looks like a load of cum is either flying toward or away from the couple on top of the cake.

So let me get this straight. You can move in with an average-looking person whom you will have to talk to and listen to and you won't even get any sex out of it. (Do you think Michael keeps the scarf around his neck during sex?) And you can get all that for the price of a new 2013 Ford Mustang (more, actually, given that the starting MSRP of the car is $22,200).

What do these two crazy kids think they are bringing to the table that is so valuable? Well, according to Hickey, they are "offering our social strengths as a life companion." Like listening to your problems and offering you a sympathetic ear?

I think I would just buy the Mustang. That way I can pick up chicks who will fuck me, which, I have realized, is a good way to solve my problems. And I can drive them home afterward. Or if I don't feel like driving I can use the $2,800 I saved and give them money for a cab. (I am a gentleman after all.) As I write this, Michael and Johanna are shockingly still single.

Now I will go from two baristas oblivious to their ridiculous proposal to a Dutch news show oblivious to a moment of graphic happenstance that shows German Chancellor Angela Merkel with a Hitler moustache. Oops!

And before I go, here are a few other ways, besides buying a Mustang, to spend your money that would be better than dropping it on a sexless marriage with a Brooklyn barista: Naughty America, Bangbros Network, Video Box and Twistys.

Posted by A.K. Anderson at July 12, 2012 1:01 AM

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