This Week in Dicks - Scream, Shock and Pumping Cock

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November 11, 2011

Scream, Shock and Cock Pumping
Image courtesy of MSNBC.

The tingling in my left arm tells me I should bite down on some aspirin and call an ambulance, or it's time for your second favorite destination for penis news behind USA Today, This Week in Dicks. We slide our hands down the tight denim of the world's news stories and pull out the big ones. Let's get started, shall we?

Cream Creator's Scream Seen On Screen

Though it's not the penis, we consider the testicles to be family here at This Week in Dicks, so this story is quite fitting. A 46-year-old Canadian man recently entered an emergency room complaining of pain in his crotch. Never a good thing. The doctors decided to put his junk under the x-ray machine and see what came up. What they found was something out of a "Twilight Zone" episode: a tumor that looks like a man screaming in pain.

As you can see in the photo above, this isn't a blurry image or some vague shape of a face that you have to squint at to see properly. It looks like a real face, a screaming face with pronounced eyes, lips and nose. I don't believe in reincarnation, but if it exists and there's a possibility I could come back as a cancerous lump in some guy's ball bag, I better start living right and I better start right now.

If the thought of painful testicles gives you a warm feeling, be sure to check out the CBT (that's cock and ball torture for the uninitiated) action on these sites.

Shocking the Life Back Into Your Cock

It seems that doctors have found a way to alleviate erectile dysfunction that doesn't involve little blue pills or invasive surgery. Are you ready for shock treatments? Well, the official term is extracorporeal shock wave therapy. That doesn't sound scary, does it? It even has "therapy" in it.

Providing low-level waves of audio shocks to the shaft multiple times over the course of several weeks has shown to reverse the effects of a limp noodle. The procedure was originally designed to pulverize kidney stones, but this nifty benefit was discovered as well. Those tested have said that the procedure wasn't painful, which is an important distinction to make when discussing the words "shock treatment" and "penis" together. Now all we're waiting for is the inevitable article about some guy sliding his pecker between two stereo subwoofers in an attempt to do it himself.

While we're talking about playing doctor, check out two of these sites and call me in the morning.

Penis Pumper Proves Justice is Not Blind from Too Much Masturbation

Okay, imagine you're a man who uses a penis pump. No shame in that. Now, imagine you were caught using it at work. That would be a little embarrassing. Plus, you're a judge and once caught, you would be disbarred, prosecuted and forced to serve 20 months behind bars. That's an unfortunate series of events if there ever could be. If you're former Creek County District Judge Donald Thompson, you don't have to imagine it because that's exactly what happened to him when it was discovered that he was using the properties of suction to temporarily increase the size of his penis while presiding over court cases.

He recently made news again when it was reported that he will not be receiving his pension for his 23 years of service on the bench. He's been publicly shamed and forced to spend time in prison. Isn't that enough? It's not like he used the pump on every case. One bright light for Mr. Thompson is it was also reported that he will still receive his pension from being a member of the Oklahoma State Legislature. It's good to know that Oklahoman politicians look the other way when one of their own takes part in a victimless hobby.

While we're talking about people getting screwed, be sure to check out some of these sites.

Posted by Wayne King at November 11, 2011 1:01 AM

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