This Week in Dicks - Lady Gaga, Super Circumcision and Shrinking Puds

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September 6, 2011

Lady Gaga Fake Penis
Image courtesy of StarzLife.com.

Hello everyone and welcome once again to your favorite feature on the site, where we slide our hands down the trousers of the news world and pull out This Week In Dicks.

Hung Like A Woman - Some of you no doubt watched the MTV Video Music Awards the Sunday before last and saw Lady Gaga trade in her meat suit from last year for something a little more subdued. She appeared at the ceremony as her male alter-ego Jo Calderone. Sporting a jet black pompadour and wearing a white T-shirt with black slacks and matching suit jacket, Ms. Gaga looked liked a reject from Grease.

Reports were later revealed that she went as far as wearing a prosthetic member for the evening. She also made news by attempting to reenact the famous kiss between Britney and Madonna from VMA's past, with Gaga in Madge's place. The two chanteuses locked eyes and appeared they would indulge before Britney pulled away, breaking the hearts of publicity-stunt lovers and fake lesbians everywhere.

I Only Wanted A Little Off The Top - While the last blurb involved adding a penis, this one involves taking one away. Phillip Seaton is a 64-year old man who, for reasons unknown, decided it was the right time to get a circumcision. He went in for the procedure and was put under anesthesia. When he awoke, he was missing the one appendage he was probably least willing to part with. The doctor said they found life-threatening cancer and had to amputate. Poor Mr. Seaton never had a chance to say goodbye.

Most men will tell you they couldn't put a price on their penis, but Mr. Seaton felt 16 million was an appropriate number. Unfortunately for him, a judge ruled against his malpractice claim, determining that the doctor was given clearance to make the decision based on a waiver Mr. Seaton signed. Let this be a lesson to you all; read the fine print or one day you could lose your penis AND have to buy 12 CD's at exorbitant prices.

Pale Rider - If you enjoy reading books that make you depressed, you'll be happy to know that "Penis Problems: A Man's Guide" has been flopped into bookstores nationwide. The book, written by Dr. Madelein Castellanos, takes a detailed look at what happens to the penis when it ages and it is not pretty. A couple things us men can look forward to include losing the reddish/purple hue on our heads and losing sensitivity, sometimes drastically so.

The most distressing part of the whole book is the finding that most men will lose around a half an inch between their 30th and 70th birthdays. That's not including weight gain, which can also lead to shrinkage. To make matters worse, your ball sack will continue to lose its war with gravity and sink lower and lower as the year's progress. But look on the bright side; tea bagging will be way easier at 70 than it is at 30.

Posted by Wayne King at September 6, 2011 1:01 AM

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