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The Unsexiest Sex Toy Website in the World

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April 25, 2012

The Unsexiest Sex Toy Website in the World
Image courtesy of LaVanGuardia.com.

What sounds sexier than a sex info/sex toy website run by a 56-year-old former Christian minister? If you answered "pretty much anything," then you would be correct.

Dutchman Marc Angenent was a minister for 23 years and in that time he spoke with married couples and discovered that many of them were unhappy with their sex lives and he concluded that many Christians are afraid to give in to their sexual desires. (That's a big shocker given how open and understanding the Christian religion is about sex and sexuality.)

This discovery led Angenent to step down as a pastor and train as a sex therapist. This in turn led to the creation of the website Lief Destuin (Love Garden), which, along with articles about sex, various lectures and workshops, he also sells sex toys on. But to make the site a safe place for Christians to make such purchases, it contains no nudity, no pornographic images and no offensive language.

This sounds to me like it is just reinforcing the classic Christian idea about sex being taboo and something to be ashamed of, but I guess you have to start somewhere. Maybe Angenent is a big "What About Bob?" fan and is taking a baby-steps approach.

So what does a sex toy site run by a former Christian minister look like? Well, like the headline says, it is the "unsexiest sex toy website in the world." First off, there are barely any pictures and the thumbnails they do have of the products are literally the size of an actual thumbnail (wouldn't want to scare Christians with a full-sized image of a g-spot vibrator).

It also made me laugh when I came across the image for what looked like some kind of fishnet bodysuit. What was funny was that the picture shows a woman wearing the garment, but only from behind and only of her back - no butt, no legs, not even any side-boob. And, of course, it was thumbnail size with no option to resize and make it larger.

What was even funnier and what I enjoyed the most, though, were the product descriptions. On their own they are fine, but when compared to the ones on other sex toy sites, that is where the hysterical, sanitized Christian-ness is really made obvious.

The Love Garden descriptions read like the person writing them was as embarrassed to be writing them as the people will be to buy them. I wouldn't be surprised if someone new to sex toys would walk away from some of these descriptions without knowing what the hell the product actually did or how to use it. Below are two examples of product descriptions from Love Garden and from the sex toy site Adam & Eve. I think they speak for themselves:

PRODUCT ONE: The Iris Vibrator

LOVE GARDEN: Love Garden only goes for the best material, particularly the brand LELO. Iris is one of the most female friendly vibrators. The vibrator is a very quiet, ultra modern and very powerful vibrator. The vibrator uses two engines. It is possible to choose various programs, from pulsating to an interaction between both engines. With bad vibrations can one button in the top and in the middle of the vibrator in strength and rhythm are operated.

ADAM & EVE: The vibrator features a specially designed shaft with a curved tip that makes it easier than ever to find and tease your G Spot as well as several petal-shaped ridges. Running up & down the shaft, these ridges provide extra stimulation as you pump the sex toy and help enhance and broadcast vibrations throughout your vagina for greater pleasure.

The Iris Pleasure Object features 5 different vibration modes, each with 8 different levels of speed to give you the greatest variety of pleasure possible. The vibrations are powered by 2 whisper-quiet motors - located in the tip and base of the sex toy's shaft to distribute vibrations over the greatest possible area and please your pussy like nothing else.

PRODUCT 2: Get A Grip Prostate Massager

LOVE GARDEN: This toy has a firm grasp on pleasure! Enjoy its phthalate free silky smooth shaft with an ergonomic tip that nestles perfectly against the prostate. The unique handle fits comfortably in the palm for maximum control and easy access to multiple vibrating speeds!

ADAM & EVE: The Evolved Get A Grip Prostate Massager is a prostate toy designed for the maximum prostate stimulation! Experience pillow-biting orgasms with 7 different vibrating functions! Since it's waterproof, you can explore male prostate play with a carefree attitude -- go for it!

Here's how it works:

Lube up the prostate probe and insert into anus. Your Get A Grip Prostate Massager's handle rests against the "taint" behind the testicles. You can grab this handle and find your perineum -- or "P" Spot -- with accuracy and ease!
When you're ready, turn on the 7-function vibrating egg built into the tip. Many users report insertion is easier with the vibrator already on and lubed.
Then get ready for a body-quaking orgasm!

Since the descriptions might not be very helpful, here are some sites featuring gorgeous girls using the same kind of sex toys you can purchase at Love Garden: Sex Toy Teens and Sex Toy Tarts.

Posted by A.K. Anderson at April 25, 2012 1:01 AM

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