The Office Xmas Party: Take A Cab Home or Fuck A Coworker?

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December 15, 2011

Take A Cab Home or Fuck A Coworker
Image courtesy of Shorpy.com.

Let me set the scene for you. It's your office Christmas party. The food is delicious - or at least edible (hey, it's free!), the music is pumping and the wine is flowing. No one is talking about the reports that are overdue or how you messed up the previous morning's meeting with that awful PowerPoint presentation in front of one of your biggest clients (you still don't know how that semi-naked picture of the CEO's grandmother got in there).

Everyone is getting nice and drunk. Jim and Fred from HR are arm wrestling. Cindy from Accounts Receivable is photocopying her butt, signing it "Kim Kardashian" and handing one to each of the interns. And you are acting out every Samuel L. Jackson scene from Pulp fiction: "And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

Now, the night is coming to an end. Cindy has used up all the copier toner, Jim and Fred are "hugging it out" and icing their elbows and you are just finishing up with "Well we'd have to be talkin' about one charming motherfuckin' pig. I mean he'd have to be ten times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green Acres..."

As Jules Winnfield and Vincent Vega are walking out of the dinner, you realize that people are starting to head home, but you are too drunk to drive. So, you have a decision to make. Either you take a cab home or you take that new data analyst up on her offer to stay at her place (she lives really close and has been giving you the "I want to bang you" look all night). What do you do?!

The answer seems pretty easy to me, but according to a poll done in the U.K., only 23 percent of those surveyed would go home with their work mate rather than take a cab or public transport home. Let me say that again from the opposite side: that means 77 percent of people would rather take a cab home drunk than have sex with someone they work with! This made no sense to me at first. I mean, if someone was offered sex or a ride in a cab or on a public bus, I would assume they would say yes to the sex 100 percent of the time. But then I thought it through a little more...

First let us watch this video of some drunk ladies at their office Christmas party:

I have worked at some places where no one I worked with was at all bangable no matter how drunk I was. Taking that into account I could see the number of people saying yes to sex being closer to say 80 percent rather than 23.

Then, there are the people with husbands and wives and boyfriends and girlfriends and sure, there is a percentage of those that are actually faithful. So, with that in mind, I might have assumed the number to be around 55 percent.

Then, you have to take into account the guys that are so drunk they can't get it up and don't want to be the focus of all the water cooler gossip for the next year. And there are the women who didn't have time to shave their legs and pussies - and us guys know that when a woman isn't groomed to her satisfaction it is very hard to get their pants off, no matter how drunk and horny she is. These two examples take the number down to around 45 percent.

Next we have the cock-blockers. You know who they are. They are the "friends" who pull their friend away from drunken temptation and put them in a cab so they don't wake up in a pool of regret the next morning. And now we are at 35 percent.

And finally there are the people that just didn't get the hint. The ones that could have gone home with someone, but were too drunk or too naïve to realize that the person was actually hitting on them and inviting them over. And that brings us to the 23 percent!

Here are some offices where the number is 100 percent all the time: Naughty Office, Horny Office Babes and Lusty Office.

Posted by A.K. Anderson at December 15, 2011 1:01 AM

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