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That Eel in Your Penis Makes You Look 10 Years Younger - This Week in Dicks

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September 21, 2011

Haka Peepshow
Image courtesy of HakaPeepshow.co.nz.

The shadow on my sundial is telling me it's time for another installment of the greatest thing to exist before sliced bread came along, This Week in Dicks. We probe, penetrate and fondle the recent headlines and see where our favorite appendage pops up. Let's begin, shall we?

That eel in your penis makes you look 10 years younger...

In the recorded events of stupid shit people have done to look younger, bathing with eels isn't all that crazy. I would imagine in the right circumstances, it could feel pretty good. Then again, I'm used to feeling weird, slimy skin against my own. It's been happening every Wednesday night for the last 18 years (rim shot). But seriously folks, for this Chinese man it was anything but enjoyable as a long, small eel was able to slip inside his urethra and park itself deep in his bladder.

Fortunately for the man, modern science, which is also the only real thing capable of making you look younger, was able to remove it after a three-hour surgery. This should be a lesson to everyone out there not do ridiculous things to appear younger. Just get your skin injected with botulism, like any sane human being.

Smoking makes your penis model thin...

We've seen the laundry list of positive outcomes that can occur from quitting smoking like keeping your teeth white, being able to breathe, living a longer, happier life, blah, blah, blah. A recent finding from the University of Texas, however, puts them all to shame. They discovered that men who quit smoking increase the girth of their penis, and as any doctor (like our good friend Dr. Castellanos) or drunk aunt will tell you, it's the width that counts, not the length.

The connection between smoking and harder erections is nicotine damages blood vessels and nerve endings in the penis. Another study also found a connection between those who smoke and those with erectile dysfunction. It is poetically ironic that all these years many men smoked thinking it would help get them laid (and no doubt it has, for some) when in actuality it was contributing to their decline in virility. Of course, it can also lead to sooner death, but that's going to happen anyway.

Is that a penis in your park or are you just happy to see rugby...

From the Eiffel Tower to the National monument, humans (mostly men) have a long and illustrious history with erecting massive phallic symbols. In New Zealand, there is a bit of a kerfuffle over a public art exhibit described as a "black penis" on display during the Rugby World Cup. The exhibit, called the Haka Peep Show is "a celebration of the diversity of contemporary haka in Maori" and shows members of the New Zealand rugby team performing, linking the past to the present.

Evidently, the message behind the exhibit is lost on some councilmen, one of whom quit the board in protest. For these people, the idea of something large and black in the park in broad daylight is just too much to handle. I certainly know that feeling, which is why I walk my dog at night... He's a 130-pound Rottweiler, so you can just get your minds out of the gutter.

Posted by Wayne King at September 21, 2011 1:01 AM

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