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Is That Your Cum In My Water Bottle Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

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August 11, 2011

Cum In My Water Bottle
Image courtesy of HowzYaFatha.com .

With all the public service announcements and "Law & Order: SUV" episodes dealing with roofies and their nefarious uses, women have become very aware of their surroundings and of certain precautions they must take when they are out drinking (don't accept drinks from strangers unless you watch the bartender serve it, don't leave your drink unattended, etc). But now, thanks to Michael Lallana, chicks will need to bring that same hyper-awareness to the office.

Mr. Lallana is a 32-year-old field director for Northwestern Mutual Investment Services who literally - on two separate occasions - jerked off into the water bottle belonging to one of his hot coworkers (her name has not been released).

When I was first told this story by one of my coworkers, my initial thought was that I needed to throw out my water bottle, but then I figured this was some kind of revenge-gone-too-far scenario. (Like the story I talked about a few weeks ago about that idiot who tattooed a penis on a mentally ill guy's back because he said something about his girlfriend). But nope, that wasn't the case.

Lallana was doing it because the chick is hot and he figured that jizzing in her bottle was the closest he could ever get to her. Really! I would think standing next to her in a crowded elevator, reaching around her from behind and teaching her how to shoot pool or pulling the old yawn-and-arm-stretch-over-her-shoulders move would actually get him closer to her than jerking it alone in her office when she went to make copies. But maybe that's just me. What people aren't really talking about, though, is how he was caught.

Here is what the victim's lawyer had to say.

You might have noticed that I said he inseminated the woman's water bottle on two separate occasions. The first time, when she returned and drank from the bottle, she felt sick and threw it away. The second time it happened she again felt sick, but that time she sent the bottle off to a lab to be tested. Now hold on a second there. This brings up two questions I haven't heard anyone ask about this story.

First off, the two incidents occurred three months apart and this woman thought to send the second bottle into a lab for testing? Wouldn't your first thought be that it was something you ate, or a bug or something? Who thinks, "Hmm, three months ago I drank some water and felt sick. Now, with this completely different bottle and in a totally different location [the two of them had been transferred to a new office] I feel sick. I must send this bottle into a lab."

Second, why is this guy's splooge getting her sick? I mean, I have personally had numerous ladies ingest a load of my swimmers and it never made them sick. Come on, the whole porn industry is based around the idea of facials and, by extension, cum swallowing. Want to see chicks swallowing cum and not getting sick? Check out I Swallow Peter North (North produces more per load than 10 Lallanas) and Selena Swallows (this chick eats so much cum she put the word "swallows" right in her name!).

I think Lallana should be more concerned with figuring out why he has e-coli in his cum and not as focused on trying to get said cum inside the belly of the office hottie.

P.S. Just before we went to post this piece I found out that Lallana had been sentenced to 180 days in prison and he must also pay the victim $27,000.

Posted by Will Peters at August 11, 2011 1:01 AM

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