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How To Masturbate

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June 16, 2011

How To Masturbate
Image courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger.

Having hardcore sex all the time is a pretty surefire way to get off, but it certainly isn't the only one. I know there's a negative stigma about someone who likes to masturbate every day, but deep down, those who look down on self-stimulation are really just jealous because they don't know how to do it themselves. So in order to stop all the hating and promote more self-loving, I've compiled a couple of handy tips (see what I did there?) to better beat your bushes and polish your knobs.

Step 1: Find a place that's secluded where you can relax and cut loose. Just like when having sex, I prefer the bedroom because the bed is nice and soft and I can stretch my legs out. If you want to skip the clean up, you can also opt for petting your pussies or yanking your cranks while in the shower.

Step 2: Keep inspired. Whether it makes you hot having your lover Watch You Jerk off your cock or finger you pussy or if into you're watching some porn, be sure to enjoy something that will get you off. If you focus too much on trying to cum and nothing else, you'll give yourself performance anxiety, which just leads to chafing and exhaustion without the payout. And if there's no payout, why even bother to masturbate in the first place?

Step 3: You can't spell playthings without "play." If you really want to fiddle with yourself in ways that your hands can't, then spring for some sex toys. Adult shops sell lubricants, cock sleeves that simulate all orifices, and these handy devices called vibrating dildos. Buy them. It will be money very well spent. (Just remember to clean them properly when you're done!) You don't need to turn your living room into some sort of Sybian Lounge, but having a variety of toys is highly recommended.

As you can see, it doesn't take a PhD in order to become qualified to get yourself off. All you need is the right touch (pun intended) and you'll be cumming in no time! We're talking about Real Orgasms that will leave you cross-eyed and toe-curled! And if you do decide to use dildos, a helpful trick I picked up to avoid having to clean them is to just place a condom on them before penetrating yourself.

Posted by Will Peters at June 16, 2011 1:01 AM

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