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Finally Revealed... the Perfect Man?

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April 11, 2012

Finally Revealed... the Perfect Man?
Image courtesy of WolfEscape.com.

Since the dawn of time man has strived for perfection. What is it that woman really want? Straight men have been asking that question for centuries (gay men have been asking it also and then wondering why the rest of us are still straight). Who is the perfect man? Well, like the other great mystery of our time - where is the real Springfield from "The Simpsons" - we have finally answered this question as well. And in case you were wondering, "The Simpsons" Springfield is in Oregon.

A poll of 2,000 women has revealed what it is that really makes for the perfect man. And as you read the list you might be surprised who doesn't make the cut.

The perfect man is:

Six feet tall: Sorry Tom Cruise and Peter Dinklage.

Muscled, toned and athletic: Sorry about 71% of men in the United States.

Brown eyes: Sorry Frank Sinatra.

Short, dark hair: Sorry Johnny Depp in "The Tourist," Russell Brand, and Chad Kroeger of Nickleback circa 2010.

Smart dress sense: Sorry John Daly.

A beer/ lager drinker: Sorry Paul Giamatti's character from "Sideways."

Non-smoker: Sorry Colin Farrell and every guy on "Mad Men."

Wears smart jeans, a shirt and a V-neck sweater: Sorry Hugh Hefner.

Gets ready in 17 minutes: Sorry cast of "Jersey Shore."

Stylish: Sorry Dwight Shrute.

Wants a family: Sorry my friend who got a vasectomy the day he turned 18 and still uses condoms just to be extra safe.

Earns $76,000 a year: Sorry Bill Gates and homeless guy on the street outside my apartment building.

Loves shopping: Sorry every guy in stand-up-comedian jokes about the differences between men and women.

Eats meat: Sorry Omar Epps and Joaquin Phoenix.

Clean-shaven: Sorry Tom Selleck, Zach Galifianakis and Santa Clause.

Smooth chest: Sorry Alec Baldwin, Robin Williams and Harry from "Harry and the Hendersons."

Watches soaps: Sorry guys who prefer to watch football.

Enjoys watching football: Sorry guys who watch soaps.

Drives an Audi: Sorry Fred Flintstone and James Bond from every movie except "Quantum of Solace" and "The Living Daylights."

Educated to degree level: Sorry Quentin Tarantino, Wendy's founder Dave Thomas and George Bernard Shaw.

Earns more than you: Sorry any guy looking to date their boss (assuming that even adjusting to still-existent sexist salary practices, your boss would make more money than you).

Jokes around and has a laugh: Sorry Batman.

Sensitive when you are upset: Sorry Chris Brown.

Tells you he loves you only when he means it: Sorry guys who say "I love you" just to end an argument or be allowed to go play golf.

Admits it when he looks at other women: Sorry smart guys.

Holds a driver's license: Sorry Ricky Gervais.

Can swim: Sorry Snoop Dogg and The Sundance Kid.

Can ride a bike: Sorry all the guys in this video:

Can change a tire: Sorry guys who can't, but will never admit it.

Rings mom regularly: Sorry Sylvester Stallone and Eminem.

So, as it turns out, I am not the perfect man. If only I was clean-shaven and watched soaps. However, here are some sites that look to have some close-to-perfect women: Twistys, Stunners and FTV Girls.

Posted by A.K. Anderson at April 11, 2012 1:01 AM

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