Does Masturbation Get You Into The Mile High Club?

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November 16, 2011

The Mile High Club
Image courtesy of Ryanair.

I've had sex on a train, in an automobile and while watching the movie "Planes, Trains and Automobiles." But sex on a plane is one location I have yet to cross off my sex bucket list. I have slept with a few stewardesses in my life, but it was in my bed and they weren't wearing their uniform, so I can't even claim The Mile High Club on a technicality.

I bring this up for two reasons. The first is that I just like to brag about banging sexy stewardesses. The second has to do with a story I read about low-cost Irish airline Ryanair. And it isn't about that sexy cabin-crew calendar they put out annually for charity. You saw the front of the calendar above. Here is the back:

The Mile High Club

Company chief Michael O'Leary is always looking for ways to make more money and cut costs. Some of the measures he has considered include removing the back 10 rows from his planes and replacing them with 15 rows of vertical seats, charging passengers to use the toilets, asking passengers to carry their own luggage onto the plane, and making room for more seats by reducing the number of toilets on the aircraft from three to one.

Before we get into that, enjoy this very funny airline commercial:

This week Mr. O'Leary announced his next money-making idea: in-flight pay-per-view porn! The plan is to launch an app through which travelers can watch porn on their iPads and smartphones while in the air. This could definitely cut into the casual gaming on planes. Look out Angry Birds! Bree Olson and Alexis Texas are after you!

In a statement to the press, O'Leary said, "Hotels around the world have it, so why wouldn't we?" Well (and this is just off the top of my head), because you aren't a hotel! If I'm in my hotel room watching porn, I'm pretty sure there isn't going to be a crying baby in front of me, an old man next to me trying to awkwardly get his carry-on luggage out of the overhead bin, or a fat guy overflowing from his seat next to me, eating bag after bag of peanuts and drinking a diet soda.

O'Leary also said, "I'm not talking about having it on screens on the back of seats for everyone to see. It would be on handheld devices." First off, insert your "handheld device/masturbation joke" here. Okay, now let us discuss the fact that on a plane, everyone around you can see what you are watching. The last flight I was on I watched almost a full episode of "The Office" on the screen of some passenger's iPad and she was a full row over from me. And I could feel the eyes of a few people around me checking out the screen of my laptop and watching my movie (for some reason the in-flight showing of "Yogi Bear" wasn't holding their attention).

If this plan does go through, I could see there being some lengthy lineups for the bathrooms of men carrying their iPads and smartphones. That could put an end to the only-one-bathroom plan, but could make the pay-to-use-the-toilet idea more profitable.

Which brings us back around to the question I asked in the title of this post - does masturbation get you into The Mile High Club? The short answer is, "Nope!" That club requires the participation of two people. And, no, being watched by a fat dude drinking diet soda while you jerk off doesn't count!

Posted by A.K. Anderson at November 16, 2011 1:01 AM

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I like this picture

Posted by: aman Chowdhury at December 5, 2011 3:40 PM

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