Choking Wife Is Okay If You Buy Her Dinner After - Too Soon?

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February 9, 2012

Choking Wife Is Okay

Welcome to "Too Soon?" where we look at some truly heartbreaking news and turn those frowns upside down. They say comedy is all about timing, but we're just very impatient.

There's an old saying that goes, "Women...you can't live with them, you can't..." I don't remember the second part, but it still rings true. Men are no prizes either, as Linda Wolfe could no doubt tell you; she married 23 of them over the course of her life. Let's face it, each gender has their issues with one another and it's amazing our species has survived as long as it has. Chalk it up to the power of love, or the crippling fear of loneliness. One or the other.

If you've been in a long-term relationship, you know of the inevitable ups and downs. It's part of learning how to love and growing closer together. You also know that some of the biggest blow-ups can begin with the most insignificant of squabbles. One minute, you're arguing with your partner about the toilet seat or who forgot to DVR "The Voice" and the next you're violently throwing them on the couch, gripping their throat and cocking your fist back, ready to leave a fist imprint on their face. It happens.

This circumstance isn't too far off from what happened to Josh Bray, a 47-year old man who got in an altercation with his wife that necessitated a call to the police. He was arrested and ordered to appear in front of Judge John Hurley for his actions. In situations like this, you would think the judge would force Bray to pay a fine, take anger management courses and/or serve jail time. Not in this instance. Instead, using his Solomon-like wisdom, the judge sentenced the man to buy his wife flowers and a birthday card and then take her out for a night of bowling and dinner at Red Lobster. It is not known if the man pleaded with the judge for jail time instead.

In all seriousness, it's a good thing he didn't punch his wife (now that's a phrase you don't hear enough) because I have it on good authority that if he did the judge would've sentenced him to take her to Outback Steakhouse. And let me tell you something, those blooming onions ain't cheap.

The judge called the situation a "minor incident" and that his punishment would've been more severe had the altercation been dangerous. This of course leads one to wonder what kind of cases he presides over that would make him see the forcible restraint and potential assault of a spouse as being only an issue that could be atoned with a Hallmark card and a lobster roll. That reminds me of another old saying, "It's a thin line between love and 2nd degree domestic battery."

Out of curiosity, did anyone ask the missus if she wants to go bowling? I don't know about you, but the sight of heavyset people in too-small clothing, the smell of stale beer and the constant sound of collisions doesn't exactly scream romance. Also, what kind of satisfaction can this woman have, romantically or otherwise, knowing that her husband is taking her out solely by decree of the court? That's like thinking those guys picking trash off the highway are concerned citizens.

I'm not one to pass judgement on anyone's relationship, but if you have to be court-ordered to celebrate your wife's birthday, I'd say it's about time to ask your defense attorney if he knows a good divorce lawyer. Too Soon?

Posted by Wayne King at February 9, 2012 1:01 AM

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