Chinese Tribute To Clinton's Years In Oral Office

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September 26, 2005

I have often thought what would be a fitting tribute to my time on this earth. Actually, I’ve wanted the tribute to happen now while I was young and could bask in its glory. I used to joke to my boss at my last job that the company should name the office cafeteria after me, although I did suggest there would need to be some major improvements before the room could be privileged enough to bear my name…like a fresh salad bar and espresso machine with its own full-time barista, but I digress. Normally, having things named after oneself denotes...

I have often thought what would be a fitting tribute to my time on this earth. Actually, I’ve wanted the tribute to happen now while I was young and could bask in its glory. I used to joke to my boss at my last job that the company should name the office cafeteria after me, although I did suggest there would need to be some major improvements before the room could be privileged enough to bear my name…like a fresh salad bar and espresso machine with its own full-time barista, but I digress.

Normally, having things named after oneself denotes having done something important in the world to merit such long lasting honor. Usually, but not always it seems. I just read an article from Associated Press (09/21/05) that said a condom manufacturer in China is naming two models of condoms after former President Bill Clinton and his former intern Monica Lewinsky.

Apparently, Clinton has been campaigning for heightened awareness about the spread of AIDS, which has been spreading rapidly in China, so maybe choosing him isn’t as odd as it sounds. However, it’s less clear on how blowing the President of the United States makes your name worthy of being immortalized on a box of condoms. After all, we have to remember he never had “sexual relations with that woman, Monica Lewinsky.”

Needless to say, I can already imagine a couple advertising slogans like, “Don’t get caught with your pants down. Before Republicans try to screw you, bounce back with a Clinton, the presidential prophylactic." Alternatively, “Even if it’s the President’s, you never know where that cigar has been. Always depend on Lewinsky as extra large latex protection.”

I think they should come out with a whole line of products to go along with them. Like a fat, loud pair of vibrating lips called Linda Trip or a stiff, rigid dildo that hurts when you stick it up your ass named after Kenneth Starr. It makes me sentimental for days gone by when the President of the United States was busy doing whores not making wars! Nevertheless, I am sure when George retires, they can come up with some sort of sexual device to call Bush, it’s just too obvious.

Posted by Will Peters at September 26, 2005 3:29 PM

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