10 Things Porn Has Taught Me

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August 5, 2013

10 Things Porn Has Taught Me

RabbitsReviews.com has been around for a decade now, but I joined the team later on in the game. In fact, I'm the newest of the writers on this here corner of the Internet. That doesn't mean I only started learning the ins and outs (get it? because of sex!) of the adult entertainment industry at that time, nor does it come close to meaning that I only started enjoying porn once I began working here. In fact, I had already learned a great deal from my experiences with porn. The following 10 points are the most important lessons porn has taught me over the years.

10. You're Probably Nowhere Near as Kinky as You Think You Are

Once upon a time I believed I was beyond kinky and that being a kinkster was a really bad thing. I grew up in a Catholic atmosphere and the Bible more or less says that if you lead a raunchy lifestyle, then you can look forward to an afterlife of eternal hellfire. Too bad for me that I was always big on group sex. You know, because of boobs. Thanks to gangbang porn, I realized that I was into things that millions of other people fantasized about every day. My fantasies made up just one color of the big Skittles metaphor of sex, and porn taught me that it's totally okay to want to taste the rainbow, which coincidentally brings me to my next point.

9. The World is a Fuck-ton Kinkier Than I Thought It Was

And not just a short fuck-ton, either. We're talking a metric fuck-ton of kink! There are people out there who get off on balloons being inflated, others who like to watch a guy in a panda suit having sex, chicks getting hogtied while flogged to the point of their skin breaking and so many more fetishes that I didn't know existed until I saw them in porn. Do you know what a prolapsed anus is? Some of you are shouting, "Hell, yeah, I do!" right about now. Those people can go here. The rest of you need to ask yourselves something first. Are you prone to being forever traumatized by things that can never be unseen? If you answered no, then follow that link, too. It's awesome. However, if you answered yes, then here's a bunch of cute puppies to look at instead. They're absolutely adorable, just like your un-lost innocence.

8. Despite What My Ex May Have Insisted, the "Starfish" is Not That Popular

Noticeably absent from pretty much all porn scenes is the starfish position, which is when a woman lies on her back with her arms and legs spread out in a star pattern. And doesn't. Fucking. Move. It was unanimously voted the creepiest way to have sex with a woman in a highly respected study that I'm totally pretending is real right now. Isn't it ironic that a common position such as the starfish gets no screen time, but moves like the big dipper, standing 69 and the pile driver are so common in porn, but rare in the bedroom? At least they're rare in my bedroom. Perhaps I'm even less kinky than porn taught me I already was. But I doubt that's the case because, seriously, a pile driver is a wrestling move, not a sexual one. Meanwhile, the big dipper is a constellation of stars and, no, that's not a pun on the word "pornstar" (although it could arguably explain why the move is so prominent in porn). As for the standing 69, how often do you and your partner manage to line up perfectly for a regular 69? Try that stuff standing and I'm telling you... head butts to the balls followed by dropping the woman. Now that would be a kinky porn niche!

7. I'm Bigger Than Most Male Pornstars

A while back, A.K. Anderson blogged about a massive study involving pornstars. The results showed that I'm significantly bigger than the average guy who stars in porn (Ladies). The average height among male performers is 5'10" whereas I'm 6'8" (which is only one inch shorter than the tallest pornstars). Talk about a confidence booster! Usually, guys feel inadequate because of how their size stacks up against a male pornstar's. Science just showed me that male pornstars feel inadequate when they compare themselves to me! While the study did also mention the average body weight, it neglected to mention what the average dick size is. However, I'm pretty sure nobody cares about cocks when they talk about how big a guy is.

6. Today's Porn Was Brought to You By the Number 34 and the Letter B

Remember how much you hated Count Von Count's backwards-assed laugh whenever he counted to the number that was immediately prior to your favorite one? "SIX! SIX! There are SIX bats in the belfries! Ah! Ah! Ah!" (I'm pretty sure I heard him follow that up with "because fuck you!" in one episode.) These days, I doubt he can count to my current favorite number, which is 42. On a side note, my favorite letter is D and my second favorite letter is also D. I like 42DDs is what I'm getting at. But as much as I love big tits, that same study I mentioned earlier shows that the average pornstar's juggs are only 34Bs. That's literally the same size as the average woman outside of porn! Who knew? Science did, that's who! Because even science loves boobs.

5. Pornstars Have Big Hands

OK, not really. But now that I pointed it out, you won't be able to not notice it. Take a second and check out the preview video on this review. Look at those hands! The chick has man hands and the guys she's blowing are all, "Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I'm gonna jerk out a load of cum!" I just told you I'm 6'8" and my hands are practically the same size as hers, to say nothing of those 5'10" guys! Someone who shoots porn for a living once told me that the reason this happens is because wide lenses are used. A lot. Like all the frickin' time. Couple that with the right angle and it gives the illusion that the boobs are much bigger than they actually are, especially if the tits in question are implants on a small babe (so an A-cupper with 34B implants might look like she's got tits the size of basketballs). It also has the unfortunate side effect of making a guy's cock look like the snake from the "Anaconda" movie. And by unfortunate, I mean every guy's dream. That's not to say that you won't find chicks with big tits or that there aren't any studs walking around with what looks like a third leg. It's just that perspective favors the performer because porn viewers always seem to agree that bigger is better.

4. Porno Killed the VHS Star

Remember when DVDs first came out and everybody was all, "$40 for a gritty reboot of the laserdisc? Hell, no!"? It turns out that the only reason DVDs survived is because people like porn movie DVDs, particularly the extra features that come with them. This kept DVD player sales steady so that they could finally come down in price to a point where people were much more willing to buy movies for non-porn bonus features. Oh, and porn didn't just kill VHS, it pretty much created it as well. When the VCR first hit the market, prices (adjusted for inflation) were roughly $800 per machine and $50 per tape. Not only that, but also they were nowhere near as user-friendly as they were when the medium died out. The ability to watch porn in the comfort of one's home is what kept sales strong enough for VHS to become a mainstream household commodity.

3. It's Not "The Deadliest Catch" That's Making Crabs Go Extinct

Although I do love this TV show's very apt name, "The Deadliest Catch" is all about fishing for sea crabs and not the ones that make you scratch your pubes more frequently than Homer Simpson says, "D'oh!" Regardless of whether you call them crabs, cooties, pubic lice or bloomer crickets, it's time to start saying goodbye to them. That's because according to some studies, 80% of college students shave their nether regions. Being hairy is niche these days and I'm betting the emulation of pornstars is partly or even mostly responsible for this fact. Either way, with everybody sailing smooth down there, the pest's natural habitat is disappearing faster than the panda's coveted bamboo forests, resulting in some clinics having gone as long as five years without seeing a single case of critter crotch.

2. Too Much Sex Really Does Make It Fall Off (Or At Least Part Of It)

Why is it that almost every cock in porn is cut? For starters, this study concludes that male circumcision leads to a bad sex life. Or, more accurately, that it's supposedly not as good when compared to no circumcision. Outside of porn, the ratio of circumcised to uncircumcised men in the United States is usually 1:1, meaning only one in two guys is circumcised. In the United States of Porn, however, uncircumcised guys are a small minority. The popular theory behind this is that it's a snowball effect of coincidences arising from the Golden Age of Porn. Several of the first major porn companies were located in Jewish-heavy population centers, so their films just naturally starred more Jewish men as a result. As you may or may not know, Jewish men tend to be circumcised. This meant circumcised cocks were just assumed to be the norm in porn because they kept appearing in the more popular scenes, so more and more pornstars started emulating them by becoming circumcised themselves. It eventually just became one of those things treated as common knowledge - if you want to work in porn, men get cut and women get implants. Of course, this is purely an anecdotal theory, so I doubt it has any real bearing. Clearly, what's really going on is that fucking several women a day as your job leads to some unforeseen forsaking of the foreskin. Yup.

1. We Don't Just Watch Porn, We Live It

Ever since the caveman invented the cavecamera in order to make caveporn (or whatever porn's origins are), people have been masturbating to the sweet sight of recorded sex. Flash-forward a few millennia and we've got smartphones taking "selfies" and then people uploading them online. Society has evolved not to the point where we've abolished famine, war or poverty, but to the much cooler state of being able to both watch porn and star in it at any given moment. Sure, amateur porn may not have the same production values as mainstream smut, but that doesn't mean it isn't hot! If anything, it's arguably hotter due to its realism.

Posted by Adam Strong at August 5, 2013 1:01 AM

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