By: Groundhog

Most sites force you to fill out a long profile asking all sorts of questions, but don't count on anyone bothering to read it. Instead make sure that all the most important details are recapped in the main text of the profile.

Whomever you meet is potentially going to see you buck naked with no words to hide behind at that point. Say what you mean and describe in simple words not metaphors what you look like. Don't soften the truth, avoid terms like: full-figured (you're overweight), rugged good looks (you look your age plus a few years thanks to sun, drink and/or drugs), boyish (no upper body development nor a chin), girlish (small/ no tits or still wear mini-skirts at 50), teddy bear (fat and hairy), cuddly (just fat), toned (joined a gym but only went once), striking (looks good from far away, but far from good up close), the potential list of misleading misnomers is endless. Those of you so insecure that you outright lie, be it about age, weight, tits or dick- no matter how hot and bothered I get, a liar kills my libido, so don't waste my time or yours. I won't be fucking you in any imagined parallel universe where you're 20 years younger or 40 pounds lighter or a cup-size bigger or 3 inches longer - sex can be bizarro but the world remains only in this dimension, no matter how horny I get.

Avoid the wet blankets out there who will pooh-pooh fun. Tobacco kills and gives you a mouth like an ashtray, you don't need somebody you fuck telling you that. Same with drug and alcohol use, people claim what other people do doesn't bother them, but they're full of it.

Avoid the sermons; tell people every nasty thing you do. Vices are details that a lot of people don't read on profiles, so they bear repeating.

If you're a teetotaller or an angry ex-smoker do the addicted a favour and be upfront about what behaviour you are uncomfortable witnessing, it will save everyone some grief. Make sure to mention any sexual enhancement substances you use, like poppers, Viagra, GHB, etc. What turns you on just might give somebody else a headache.

Don't get carried away explaining your secret desires. The problem with fantasies is they're often things we wouldn't dream of doing in reality. If there is something you haven't done but would like to do, be truthful about your level of experience and the likelihood of you carrying through if you do give it a try. For example, spanking is mainstream these days, but there is a world of difference between the occasional smack on the ass and having your butt beaten black and blue by a wooden paddle. Believe me, I know. Don't waste a hardcore fetishist's time or end up regretting being over some stranger's knee.

Include a picture or even a video. If you absolutely have to be discreet then mention that you can send one by e-mail. Some sites even allow you to have "private" photos that you can authorize people to see. It increases your potential meetings and ensures that the people agreeing to see you will like what they see. Avoid images of yourself with a friend or "ex" blacked out; nothing says I'm co-dependent like having no photos of yourself alone. It's marvellous that you have a nice car (translation: midlife crisis and/or small dick), a beautiful home (gold-digging whores need only apply), took a tropical vacation (you look good when you're miles from home and take the edge off with 8 margaritas) or even had your photos professionally done (from just the right angle, under appropriate lighting, you're not utterly repulsive). Keep them candid and real just like your words and no one will feel cheated.